Think & Create

A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came home and asked, “What happened son?”
Kid said, “I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I need my own.”
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In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa’s wife.
Wife: Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: Yes, yes. I’m changing the battery in my camera..
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What is the difference between mother and wife?
A – One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
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Husband and wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can’t move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire….
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What’s the similarity between chewing gum and begum (wife) ??
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and sticky in the end..
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A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: “How would you feel if you don’t see me for two days?”
The man couldn’t believe his luck.
He blurted out: ‘That would be great’!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her……
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday passed too…..
On Friday his swelling became better and now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Dear mother-in-law, “Don’t teach me how to handle my children, I’m living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.”

Wife buys a new phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband from the new number: “Hello darling!”

The husband responds in a low tone: “Let me call you back later honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen.”

Husband was seriously ill. After thorough examination, doctor sent him outside to wait.

Doctor to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant to him and keep him in good mood, don’t discuss your problems, don’t demand new clothes or gold jewels. Do this for one year and he will be fine.

On the way home, husband asked wife: What did the doctor say?

Wife: No matter what we do for you, you are going to die!

An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. Buy your ticket; get your wife’s ticket free.

After a great success, the airline sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply, “Which trip?”

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38.

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

One night a man breaks into a house and is in the middle of stealing the home entertainment centre, when out of nowhere he hears, ‘Jesus is watching’.

This totally spooks him so he searches around with his torch.up in the corner he finds a birdcage with a parrot inside.

Relieved, he says pretty Polly,’ to which the parrot replies, Jesus is watching’.

The thief asks the bird what his name is and the bird says, ‘Moses’. The thief says what a silly name for a bird.

The bird replies, ‘You think that’s funny, the Rottweilers name is Jesus.’

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The Agent shows the rancher his badge.

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered:

I. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

5. All reports are in; life actually is unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.